


Abstract Intuition

by dianna44



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Confusion, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Introspection, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, M/M, Metaphor Galore, Non-Linear Narrative, baku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 13:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12388974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: in which Yuuri understands more about himself than he thinks he does and believes in a Japanese supernatural being.





	Abstract Intuition

**Author's Note:**

> wow, so I started this fic??? months ago? but I literally had no idea what to do with it, and my internet connection cut off a while ago so I was looking through unfinished writings on my computer and found this?? and welp, I finished it and made it a whole lot more metaphorical than I previously intended (I think). 
> 
> anyway, I'm not an expert in Japanese mythology and this definition of a baku comes from Wikipedia: they are Japanese supernatural beings that devour dreams and nightmares. 
> 
> I had a weirrrrd take on learning about baku and this is the result of that. 
> 
> anyway, much love. I hope you don't think this fic is too strange lol.

The moon will swallow him whole. The moon will tell him he can’t do that, and he can’t do this, and he doesn’t like the moon.

He has never liked the moon.

“Yuuri.”

The moon is smiling down at him, wickedly. He doesn’t like the moon. It’ll completely destroy him. He’ll cease to—

“Yuuri.”

He blinks, and realizes his eyes have been closed the entire time. It’s Mari. His sister. She looks pissed for some reason.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. She looks confused, and she frowns.

“You don’t remember?” she asks.

Yuuri glances at the moon again. Remember what? What is there to remember?

“ _Yuuri_ ,” she says.

He glances back at her. He glances back at her to ask her, _What? What can’t he remember? What’s so important? What’s wrong?_

But then he blinks again, and he realizes she’s not there at all.

And he realizes that he doesn’t know where he is either.

 

 

“You have a baku on your shoulder, you know,” says Victor. Victor is beautiful. He’s been beautiful since Yuuri has met him, and every time since, he’s even more beautiful.

“What are you talking about?”

Victor shrugs. “A baku. He’s feeding off of you. Explains a lot, actually. Explains me.”

Yuuri doesn’t know what to say. Victor is beautiful. So incredibly beautiful.

Victor doesn’t seem as impressed. “Do you know where you are, Yuuri?”

And when Yuuri turns to look at his surroundings, Victor is gone, and the world’s gone bright, too bright, and his eyes close all over again.

 

 

“Yuuri, can you come pick me up?” Mari asks, her voice loud and cheerful. Yuuri sighs, but he’s already putting on his shoes.

“Are you at the bar?” he asks.

“Yup!”

“Okay, I’m coming. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t do anything dumb,” he warns.

“See you in fifteen!” she responds, hiccupping as Yuuri hangs up.

He gets ready a little quicker than usual, worried about his sister, and he forgets to get his jacket, and it’s interesting to think how if he had gotten his jacket, if he had gone a little slower, if he picked up on the first call rather than the second, if he had driven a little slower, driven a little faster, had stopped for gas, turned left instead of right, it wouldn’t have happened at all.

But it happens, and Yuuri doesn’t remember having a single thought in his head when the truck slams into his car. Yuuri doesn’t remember having a single thought in his head as his car, his body is crashed into a building on the side of the road.

Yuuri doesn’t remember any of that at all because technically, he doesn’t think he’s woken up yet.

 

 

“Welcome! Welcome! The best resort in town! I welcome you!” a beautiful man says to him. His hair is silver, and he’s taller than Yuuri. Yuuri smiles at him.

“Where am I?” he asks.

“Who knows! But take a seat, Yuuri,” the man says, offering him a seat. He’s in a restaurant now. Where is he? This man is beautiful. The beautiful man is smiling at him.

“I’m Victor, and I’ll be your waiter today. Would you like something to drink?”

“Maybe a wat—”

“And here’s your water, sir. Anything else? Oh, it seems you have something on your shoulder.” The beautiful waiter, Victor, suddenly leans toward him, and pats at his shoulder harshly. Yuuri flinches.

Victor smiles. “Sorry. Just a baku. They tend to go where people like you are.”

Yuuri’s confused. “People like me?”

Victor smiles. “Something to eat, maybe?”

“Could I have a menu?”

Victor shakes his head. “Whatever you want, we can make. I _swear_.” He’s eyeing Yuuri’s shoulder again.

Yuuri blinks. “Could you maybe make—”

“Katsudon? Of _course_. You know, I didn’t like katsudon before I met you. Granted, I didn’t actually try it before I met you.”

Yuuri is frowning again. “H-how did you know what I was going to order? Where am I? Who are you? Do… do I know you?”

Victor is smiling at him again, and like last time, suddenly reaches forward and swipes at Yuuri’s shoulder. “ _Go away_ ,” he hisses, startling Yuuri.

He shoots another smile at Yuuri. “I’m terribly sorry. It keeps coming back to you. You must be special, Yuuri. You are. I know you are.”

“What? What are you talk—”

“And here’s your katsudon! I made it with love so I hope you especially enjoy it!” Yuuri glances at the bowl, and when he looks up, Victor isn’t there anymore.

And for some reason, he misses him terribly.

 

 

When Yuuri was six years old, he woke up from a dream about his family being destroyed in front of his eyes. He had been crying, loud and obnoxious cries much too early in the morning that had his mother and father rushing into his room, only to find him in hysterics.

“Yuuri! What’s the matter?” his mother exclaimed, coming to be by his side at once. Yuuri ceased crying upon seeing her, but he looked at her as if she wasn’t real.

“You were dead,” he had said.

His father and mother both frowned, and he sniffed.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“I don’t know. I guess. You were dead. S-so was M-Mari.”

“Oh, sweetie. It was just a nightmare. I promise we are all safe and sound.”

Yuuri had looked up at her, tears welling up when he realized that Mari was not in the room. “Where’s Mari?! Is she… is she dead too?”

They both calmed him down, quickly explaining to him that Mari was simply asleep in her bedroom and that they both knew she was safe because they checked on her before checking on him.

Yuuri nodded. “I’m scared to sleep.”

And they understood. They understood that he was too afraid to sleep because he was afraid of another nightmare, and they knew exactly what to say.

“Yuuri? Have you heard of a baku?”

 

 

Yuuri hadn’t won. He hadn’t won first place, but as Yuuri looked down at his silver medal, he was proud. He was proud of himself for making it this far, and knowing that the man he loved would support him in his second-place win, he was proud knowing he could entrust himself so openly now.

Victor teased him as he frequently did, but Yuuri saw his pride and his love and lust in those eyes, deep within to others, but right on the surface to Yuuri.

Yuuri loved this man.

That night, when they spoke of their wedding and they spoke of their plans for the future, Yuuri had taken Victor’s face in his hands, kissed him so softly, and told him, “I feel like I’m dreaming.”

Victor had smiled at him. “You’re not,” he promised. “Besides, it’d be _me_ dreaming.”

Yuuri playfully punched him on the shoulder and Victor complained loudly and they were in love and and and—

he wasn’t dreaming.

 

 

His parents told him that a baku was a creature, a supernatural being that ate the nightmares and dreams of little children if the little children so wished.

Yuuri was honestly disturbed at first. But then his mom had smiled at him and held his hand.

“The baku can take away your nightmares, Yuuri. You just have to ask.”

They stayed with him when he determinedly said aloud, “Baku-san, come eat my dream.”

They kissed his forehead and he fell asleep right after, no dreams nor nightmares there to plague him.

 

 

He expected Victor to laugh when he first told him about it. Victor had woken up from a nightmare and Yuuri, embarrassed, told Victor what he usually did to help calm himself down and get back to sleep.

“A… baku?” Victor asked, pronouncing it slightly wrong. Yuuri smiled shyly at him.

“Yeah. Basically, it’s said… to eat your dreams and nightmares. It’s stupid… I know, but it really helps me… you don’t have to do it though, of course, I _know_ it’s really just meant for kids, but I don’t know, I thought… I thought maybe—”

Victor’s soft laugh was what cut him off. Victor shook his head.

“What do I have to say, Yuuri?”

Yuuri bit his lip and told him, Victor hanging onto each word.

Then Victor pulled Yuuri in close and whispered the words, “Baku-san, come eat my dream.”

They both fell asleep soundly after that.

The next morning, Victor told Yuuri he was a new age genius.

Yuuri told him he was being silly.

 

 

Yuuri woke in a place filled with nightmares.

“Yuuri~”

Yuuri turned to see Victor standing there, in all black.

“Victor?” he asked.

Victor grinned at him, but it wasn’t kind. Terrifying.

“This would have been our wedding, Yuuri. But you haven’t woken up yet. You will never wake up.”

“Victor?”

Victor’s expression suddenly changed, and he studied Yuuri with interest and confusion.

“I don’t know who you are. Are you a fan? Where am I? Do you need something signed?”

Yuuri stares at him, baffled.

“What?”

“What’s on your shoulder?”

Yuuri looks at his shoulder. There isn’t anything on his shoulder.

“Nothing? Wait, Victor… do you not know who I am?”

Victor is still staring at his shoulder. He seems almost afraid of Yuuri. “I don’t know you,” he finally says, still looking at Yuuri’s shoulder in fear. He finally looks at Yuuri’s face. “Please get away from me. Let me go. I’ll… I’ll sign whatever you want. I’ll even take photos. Please let me go.”

“Victor, what…?”

“It’s a baku, isn’t it?”

Yuuri frowns and looks back down at his shoulder, and he gasps in shock at the large creature on his shoulder. He doesn’t even know how it fits on his shoulder, it’s much too large, so large, but it doesn’t _look_ especially terrifying, but it _feels_ powerful and and and

when Yuuri looks back up at Victor, he realizes Victor is no longer there.

 

 

“Any news?”

“No. He remains in the same state. Safe, at least. There aren’t any worries about him… passing on.”

A sigh. “Do you think he’s dreaming?”

A long pause.

“He could be thinking of anything. Dreams or nightmares… or maybe nothing. It’s never certain. Nothing ever really is. Most patients don’t remember what they… experienced when they were in the coma. Some claim to have met God himself and others claim they don’t even remember passing out.”

“I hope he’s dreaming. Only good dreams. Nothing but good dreams.”

Yuuri has a nightmare after that.

It’s gone soon after and Yuuri doesn’t remember anything else.

 

 

The moon is back to mock him and when Yuuri looks up at it, he sees himself in the reflection, and there is something perched on his shoulder and on his back and on his head and on his legs and all over his body, there is something there.

He knows he’s forgetting something, but he can’t remember what it is.

Importance doesn’t equal necessity.

 

 

“You’re back!”

“Who are you again?”

The man frowns. “Victor! Don’t you remember?”

“Look, can you tell me the way out?”

Victor just stares at him. “Way out to where?”

Yuuri pauses and realizes he’s been eating something. “I… I don’t know. Somewhere… else, I suppose.”

Victor just smiles at him.

“Well, you know the way out, Yuuri.” He suddenly reaches forward and swats at his shoulder. Yuuri exclaims, but not in pain. Surprise, perhaps? “Whoops,” Victor grins.

“What was that for?!”

Victor just tilts his head. “The baku on your shoulder is getting quite hungry, you know.”

“The what?”

“The baku! You told me about them, Yuuri! You should know better!”

“What?”

Yuuri looks at his shoulder, but there… there’s nothing there. What is this man talking about?

He looks back at Victor who is still standing there smiling at him.

“Who _are_ you?” he asks.

“Well, I’m your wait—”

“No, that can’t be because you’re sitting down and eating with me.”

“Am I?” Victor looks down at the food he’s eating suddenly. “Ah. I am. What a breach of protocol!”

He laughs, but something is wrong wrong wrong, and Yuuri wants to know _what_.

“What are you lying about?”

“Why don’t you just get rid of it?”

Yuuri frowns. “Rid of what?”

“The baku, Yuuri! The _baku_!”

“I don’t know what that is! What are you talking about?! Are you insane?! Where _am_ I, Victor?!”

Victor frowns. “You know where you are.”

And then Yuuri blinks and Victor is gone.

 

 

One year into their relationship, Yuuri tells Victor that he thinks it’s stupid of him to still believe in the baku. Victor had frowned at him.

“You aren’t stupid for creating or believing in something that only helps you in the end, Yuuri.”

Yuuri never forget what he said, and held him tighter in that moment, and for the rest of their forever.

 

 

Mari tells him to wake up wake up wake up, but Yuuri doesn’t even know what that _means_.

“Like a movie!” she suddenly shouts. “It’s as if you’re in a movie!”

Yuuri frowns. “A movie?”

“Yes! This situation… is so comical in how similar it is to movies about things like this. But, we’re tired of living in a movie, Yuuri! Wake up!”

“I’m not asleep!”

“You are!”

“You were drunk!”

“I know! Wake up!”

Yuuri’s thoughts dance him into a field of brown flowers and each flower reminds him of a grain of sand.

 

 

“That baku on your shoulder is still there,” Victor tells him.

Yuuri looks at his shoulder and he sees it this time.

“Oh,” he says. He looks back at Victor.

Victor nods at him. “It’s feeding off of you. You’re letting it take too much, Yuuri. You need to make it get off you.”

“How?”

“Invite it in.”

 

 

“Yuuri!”

“Who are you?”

The man frowns. “This again? I’m Victor, and that baku is larger than ever, you know.”

Yuuri looks down at his plate. “I don’t want this.”

Victor looks shocked. “The katsudon? You… you don’t want it?”

Yuuri frowns. “I don’t even know what that is.”

Victor suddenly looks enraged. The table and food disappear, and he springs forward, attacking at something on Yuuri’s shoulder. “Get off him!” he screams.

Yuuri is suddenly standing up and he steps back from Victor.

“You aren’t a waiter,” he says.

And then Victor is crying. Yuuri doesn’t know why.

“Tell him to go away, Yuuri… tell him… you need to _wake up!_ We’re… getting _married_ , remember?”

But Yuuri doesn’t. And Victor is already gone.

 

 

When Yuuri was eleven, he woke up to his friend whimpering in his sleep. He woke him up, telling him it was just a nightmare, just a nightmare, just a nightmare, and the boy looks at him, fear in his eyes, and Yuuri knows exactly what he can do to help.

“Baku-san, come eat my dream,” his friend said three times that night, and Yuuri let the boy hold his hand as he drifted off to sleep.

The boy didn’t dream at all, but Yuuri dreamt of the moon.

The moon was crying.

 

 

Yuuri was seventeen when a boy he had a crush on tells him he’s stupid for still believing in the baku. He had a nightmare that night, and when he woke up, he convinced himself not to ask the baku to come help.

He didn’t get any sleep at all, and he faked an illness the next day just so he didn’t have to face the boy at school.

He wished the baku would just come eat his thoughts too.

 

 

“It’s only getting larger, Yuuri.”

“Victor, what am I supposed to do?”

“Invite it in. I already told you. Please. I’m worried. We all are. We need you.”

“How do I invite it in? How am I supposed to do that? It’s already here! Why would I need to invite it?”

 

 

The moon stopped caring about him.

Yuuri knew this by the time he was thirteen.

 

 

“I wish he would wake up.”

“I do too.”

 

 

“You’re back? You probably don’t recognize me again, do you?”

Victor’s grin is both hurtful and pained.

“Victor,” Yuuri tells him.

Victor’s eyes light up with surprise.

“You… remember me?”

“Yes.”

“But… only as your waiter, right? What about your coach, Yuuri?”

“Coach of what?”

Victor sighs and gestures to the empty table.

“Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“The baku is though. You should stop feeding it. You’ll never get rid of it like that.”

Yuuri doesn’t bother looking at his shoulder.

“How do I get rid of it?”

Victor looks confused by his question.

“Well, how do you invite it?”

 

 

The day before Yuuri comes out to his parents, he has a nightmare. He asks the baku to come and eat it for him, but when he wakes up, he’s still terrified, still terrified of his nightmare coming to life.

He tries to call the baku again. But he never goes back to sleep and instead, works up the courage to tell his parents that he likes boys.

They smile at him, the proud parents they are, and Yuuri finally feels like a weight has been lifted off both of his shoulders.

 

 

“I remember the first time I fell in love with you,” Victor had told him one night.

Yuuri blushed. “What?”

“I do.”

Yuuri blushed harder. “Well… when?”

Victor just smirked at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Wha—you’re the one that even brought it up!”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me when you first knew you loved _me_.”

Yuuri had remembered that moment clearly, but he was too embarrassed, it was too embarrassing, and he just shook his head.

“Fine. Keep your secrets.”

Yuuri tried to imagine that he didn’t see any lingering disappointment in Victor’s eyes.

They’ll talk about it later.

They still have their whole lives to be together.

 

 

“You haven’t invited it in?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Yes, you _do_.”

“No, Victor! I don’t!”

“Yuuri, wake up! Wake _up!_ Stop sleeping! Stop dreaming! Wake up!”

“Victor, _stop_!”

And so Victor does.

 

 

“A fan came up to me today and told me that _we_ were the cutest couple she shipped! Isn’t that cute, Yuuri?!”

Yuuri hadn’t expected the sense of dread that suddenly overcomes him and he cursed himself at all for feeling it.

“Oh,” he said.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri just smiled. Strained. He didn’t care. “It’s nothing. I’m glad we’re… so cute.”

He turned away before he can see Victor’s expression.

It hurt. It hurt.

But he remembered it hurting more when he was younger.

 

 

“Can I have katsudon?” Yuuri asks before Victor can.

Victor looks surprised. Yuuri just sighs. He’s exhausted.

The food appears before Yuuri before he can even blink, but he doesn’t question it anymore. He can’t. He doesn’t have the energy.

“I love you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri looks at Victor, and his heart is beating so so fast. It’s been years, it’s been years, so how can it still be so scary?

“I love you too.”

And Victor’s smile is blinding blinding blinding.

“The baku is there again, Yuuri.”

Yuuri knows already. He felt it.

He just nods and continues to eat.

Something feels better.

 

 

 

 

 

“Baku-san, come eat my dream.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Yuuri wakes up, he kisses Victor.

He feels like the weight of the world was just lifted off his shoulders, off his back, off his legs and body and face and everything everything everything—

He learns more about what happened later, but in that moment, he loves Victor wholly and that was all that mattered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                The moon is smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> maybe I DID make the baku a metaphor for Yuuri's repressed internalized homophobia/acceptance of Yuuri's sexuality. The moon was also a metaphor. it was allllll a metaphor. ~spooky~ 
> 
> literally what did I even just write lol. 
> 
> anyway! comments and kudos are much appreciated and I love y'all!
> 
> here's my [tumblr](http://literallynothingbutvictuuri.tumblr.com)  
> and here's [my website](http://diannamorales.com/)  
> because I have a book out ;) (no joke, I seriously do)


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